Clean
by Kim Jackson

So, it's confession time. I've written quite a lot about what it can take to make a relationship work between two people. But now, it's time to take a look within. What do you need to reconcile within yourself to help facilitate the desired effect of having a worthwhile relationship? To help get the ball rolling, I'll be the first to start.

Well, as most single women can attest...it's hard out here for a pimp. No...I am not claiming to be one; however, I have come across my fair share of wannabes. This can add to our feelings of low self-esteem and for some, feelings of unworthiness. No, I am not blaming anyone...just giving you some background. Then, there is the matter of our upbringing. Some are taught by example from our own mothers, who may not have been shown what a queen she is in her own right. And then, there are other mothers that basically teach their daughters that 'what one won't do, the other one will' and the equally famous 'don't turn nothing down, but your collar'. This can create another aspect of relationship falsehood in addition to the dribble that Mr. (allegedly) Frozen Creator of Girlhood Fantasies that one day our prince would come. I won't pinpoint which applies to me, but I will say that it created a monster.

Hello, my name is Kim and I am a recovering S.S.D. (secret serial dater). I don't have a red chip for my months or years of being 'clean'...(okay, okay...since I'm being honest here...that 's' on years may be a stretch). But, I must come clean about my recovery. Because I had been subjected to the liars, cheaters, and all around dirt bags in my search for love; I became jaded. Even when I was so-called committed to one, I still dated others under the false pretense of 'keeping my options open' or 'just in case'. Now, I was committed to him...in a sense. During these dates, the only things that ever touched were our hands when we both reached into the popcorn bucket. But, I was still going to dinners, movies, parties, and sports bars with others. Essentially robbing him of his quality time and giving it to someone else. I was lying to myself while ethically lying to him. And when our relationship would end; I would feel justified in my secret serial dating. Telling myself that I was doing right and getting affirmations from my other single friends who were dealing with the same problems as I was...always being my co-dependents. And ignoring my married friends when they would tell me that I was being a 'dude'.

So, what happened to change my behavior? Enter stage left...one of the worse experiences that I have ever dealt with in my entire adult life and I fell in love with it. Yes, I said 'It'. To label It an actual person would be a stretch. I was pulled in and had the wool pulled over my eyes. It should have been an actor...because he was good. I cooked and I cleaned...which wasn't a stretch, but I went even further. I babysat and we won't discuss their behavior and I drove hundreds of miles to meet It's family (they were great, by the way...we're still in touch). And dating others was not even an option. I thought my search was over. Until...entering stage right was the truth. The other women, the lies, and the assumption that It had that this was acceptable and that I should be happy in the knowledge that I was number one. I'll wait while you say your chosen expletives because I know I said I quite a few of my own. Okay? Done? So, back to my recovery. I had to do some inner work. I had to look inside and see what my problem was. And to be honest, I was not proud of myself.

I know Karma had a hand in that experience, as well as my Father. I had to be taught a lesson and learn it I did. I had to learn that I am worth it. I had to learn that real unconditional love is out there and that in order for me to receive it, I had to do more than what I had been doing. Not for him, but for myself. I had to 'unlearn' some things. I can't have my cake and eat it too. It's just not cool and as much as I don't like to admit it...that's what I was doing. I was being what I disliked. I was being selfish, nonchalant, and dishonest. I could say that I grew up in a house full of people and that I felt the need to be with someone at all times, but that's a cop out; especially because I rather enjoy my quiet time (article break: GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND GO TO COLLEGE SON!!! And now, back to our regularly scheduled article). I had to get in touch with who I am as a woman and what I prefer in a man. Instead of taking a 'for the time being' or 'Mr. Right Now' approach. I had to let go of the old way of doing things and embrace the right way of doing things.

I could go on and on...but, I've been honest enough. This is my recovery and it's a semi-private matter. But, one thing I must share. When you have taken the time, energy, and effort to look inside and actually deal with what keeps you in constant failure mode in relationships; the gift that you can receive can be more than what you expect and that makes him (or her) that much more treasured*. Someone that you will appreciate and they, in turn, will appreciate you. And that's what can make all the lessons and pain worth it.

So...there's my confession. Are you ready to deal with yours?

*Thank you.