Upgrading
by Kim Jackson

So, it`s 1:30 in the morning and my brain won`t shut off and as I`m sitting here flicking through countless channels that feature infomercials...it hits me. I could be using this time to write...and quite possibly remedy my insomnia. And as I flipped open my laptop; another thought came to mind.

We are just a few precious moments away from ringing in a new year. Some of us are bargaining...Why couldn`t this year be a leap year? Why does it have to be over so soon? 2009, please don`t go!!! Meanwhile, others are screaming...What in the world are you waiting on? Get out! I hope the doorknob hits ya on the way out!

Now that the presents have been opened and the debate of Happy Holidays versus Merry Christmas are starting to die down; people are making promises to themselves. You know it...making those New Year`s Resolutions. And this is where my second thought came into play (and maybe some of those infomercials...I gotta stop watching that stuff).

I`ve heard quite a lot of people say that they weren`t going to make any resolutions...and that`s their resolution. Far be it from me to point out that making that statement is, in itself, a resolution. But, if it makes you happy...moving on. As for myself, I decided to take a little bit further. Instead of saying what I will do and what I won`t do in the coming year, I am taking a different approach. Besides, the only other option that I have is to make resolutions and quite frankly...it doesn`t amuse me right now to do so. What? You can do YOUR resolutions...I`m just doing something different.

I, my dear readers, will be upgrading. Now, before you go off laughing or being confused...walk with me, talk with me. Do you remember the very first cellular phones? Big as a briefcase...which I think it came in. Weighing like ten pounds? Now, cell phones are small. So small that you have to buy a clip for your belt to hook it on you or you would lose the thing. They`re equipped with cameras, music, calendars, apps, internet...you name it, a cell phone`s got it. Why? Because of upgrades in the technology. The automotive industry upgrades their vehicles every year. Although I wasn`t alive then; I can imagine riding around in a Ford Model T with no power steering and no windows. Not to mention that you had to crank the thing up to start it! Whoa. Now, cars can parallel park for you. You don`t have to spend twenty minutes turning the steering wheel this way and that way and looking over your shoulder and checking the mirrors and having somebody tell you how close to the curb you are. (For the record, I do know how to parallel park...this is just what I have observed with those unfortunate souls that don`t know how). And let`s not forget the television! From black and white bubble to 3 inches flat! You get me now, right?

Good...because...COMING SOON, TO STORES NOWHERE...it`s the new Twenty Ten Kim Jackson! Now, with new upgraded attitude adjustments! If you recall the 2009 version; you can remember the button that when pushed resulted in undesirable effects. At times, causing words to be uttered that were not listed in ANY dictionary! Well, the new Twenty Ten does not even have the button! Also, the new Twenty Ten will have automatic updates to the `Better` options! That`s right! This new upgrade will increasingly become BETTER! Better mother, better friend, better communicator, better EVERYTHING! You won`t be disappointed! Operators will not be standing by!

Warning: Any attempts to push the removed button can and will result in dismissal from the Twenty Ten Kim Jackson program.

Hey...I told you the infomercials got a hold on me. Anyway...to my readers, friends, commentators, and UPH family; for this coming year, I wish you peace, love, joy, and prosperity (hopefully, in the form of a winning lottery ticket). And if you do just happen to win the lottery...remember, I DID wish it upon you. And you can show me your gratitude by getting me one of those magic chopping mixing things. I would love to make smoothies, salsa, and crumble crust for cheesecakes in three minutes. Man...I gotta turn off this tv!