Amusing Musings

with Kim Jackson

Resolutions…and Death

So, here it is, a few days away from the New Year and I had resolved to not have any resolutions. Forget the whole “I’m going to lose X amount of pounds by my birthday.” or the ever popular “I’m going to go to church more.”

 

Listen, you know if you eat fried anything everyday; you’re setting yourself as a future candidate for a heart attack. You also know that your journey and relationship with whomever you worship should be based on a very spiritual and very personal decision that should not be taken lightly.

 

But, I have to share something. I have resolved to commit murder as my resolution. Now, before you go picking up your phone and calling the authorities to tell on me…pay attention. Due to the fact that I can be a bit weird, I decided to look up the word ‘resolution’.

• The process of resolving
  
• Decision
• Determination

And that is just a few definitions. But, this is not about a decision made regarding my determined process. No, this is about me as a person…my life. What I need to take care of to be the woman that I want my grandchildren to say, “My grandma is awesome.” and not because I buy them stuff. But, because I have shown them not just what it is to be an upstanding, emotionally beautiful, and conscientious woman…but a PERSON with those qualities. And even if I never have grandchildren…I still want to do it for myself.


So, I’m committing murder!!! Whoo Hoo! Who’s with me? Here’s my list of intended victims…shh, don’t tell them…because this ain’t a process…THEY GONNA DIE!!!

1. Procrastination
2. Emotionally stunting myself. My sister tells me all the time that she’s going to ‘De-Dude’ me. Something weird about me sometimes having the emotional capacity of a man…I don’t know.
3. Bad eating habits…this will be hard. I love chocolate and studies have shown that it possesses pleasure inducing qualities…ticked off? Eat a piece…you’ll be good. Oh, sorry…this is about NOT doing that…nevermind; forget I said anything.
4. My inner hermit…I need to get out more.
5. That laziness that seeps in my bones every time I think about working out. Really…it’s bad. All I have to do is think about crunches and I get sleepy. No joke.
6. The ponytail habit. My follicles served me with papers yesterday…they’re tired of being abused and they’re not taking it anymore.
7. And most importantly…the evil in me. Okay, maybe not EVIL. But that sleeping guard in me that allows the devil to slip pass the gates to wreak the havoc that causes all of the above to be possible.

So, I’m extending a hand to you. Forget about resolutions! Let’s commit mass murder together! Who’s on your Hit List?


***Article disclaimer…don’t have the police knocking on my door talking about I’m an accomplice because you messed around and bumped off somebody for real. I don’t care if it turns out that we shared a womb before birth…I don’t know you and I don’t know nothing. You’re on your own. Happy New Year!***