There was a time when families would send their daughters to college with the sole purpose to wed an up and coming bachelor. Eventually, this practice blossomed into a new breed of daughters; women actually looking for an education and a career. But, things were of a different evolution for our grandmothers, mothers, and daughters. Some women of past generations fought for our freedoms so future generations could pursue the same dreams of our Caucasian counterparts. Then, there were the ones that fought poverty, men, racial stigmas, and single parenthood. Just so their daughters could have a better life than what was considered the ‘norm’.

Now, you may ask yourself…where is she going with this? Let me explain. With constant news coverage of the political disparages, the nation’s economic downgrade, celebrity weddings, and reality this and that; I came across two blogs that was a close reality for me. Not to say that I don’t have any concerns about the political and economic trepidations of our country’s future, but this was more of a personal issue.

Growing up, I was always told that I could be what I wanted to be. I could do what I wanted to do. It seemed that every school was adorned with the slogan of ‘Believe and Achieve’. But, when I would go home; another message would be drilled into me by the female caregivers of my family. ‘You don’t need a man to do this and that.’ This evidence was further driven home when I would see my grandmother buying houses, new Cadillac cars, furs, and taking trips to places that I always wanted to hear about. And the man would be existential. He wouldn’t be the reason why she went or how she went. He may have tagged along, but his presence wasn’t necessary. Add to this a home life where my mother was an at home caregiver to her four children; at home, cooking a hot breakfast in the morning before school and a hot meal for dinner. Granted, I had a male role model in the house; but, it wasn’t until I got older (and I mean out of the house raising a son of my own), that I realized that this was not an ideal or normal situation. But of those numerous times that he was out of the house, my mother never missed a beat. We were well fed, clean, and obedient children. Things my mother taught me, things my grandmother taught me, things my family taught me, and things I learned through my own lessons, bumps, and bruises; all culminated into shaping the woman that I have  become today. But what I find disparaging is the notion that these lessons and upbringing of mine and other women like me have made us into these creatures of unrecognizable, unclassifiable, and misunderstood extinction. And I use the word extinction for a reason. One blog stated, in our defense, that just because we grew up in the age where we were given the opportunity to be all that we could be does not mean that we have to settle for less than what we deserve and suggest that these other media outlet to just leave us alone. When you consider that two suggestions mentioned for the solution to our plight is to marry a bisexual man or just give it up and marry outside of our race...I wish I could thank him personally.

However, I’m sorry…it’s not just us. As I type this, I have been single for two years. And it’s not because I don’t have any potential suitors, but it’s because the ones that pursue really need to take a look at themselves. And I must point out that age is not a factor. I’ve had men talk to me like I haven’t a clue of life because they think I’m younger than what I am. Just last week, a man told me he was 40 and when he found out that I was older than what he thought; he admitted that he was 45. Then, he proceeded to tell what he wanted in a woman and how I just happen to fit that profile. If this wasn’t enough, his next question was to ask me about my sexual prowess…and I’m saying this lightly. Needless to say, he did not make the cut. I’m not perfect by any means, but I think I’m more than worthy of a man that makes me nauseous. Then there are the ones that are younger that think that if they tell me that they’re more mature than their age enough times that I’ll believe it. I often leave them and the conversations with only one question on my mind…which one of us were you trying to convince? Now, I have to say. I know that there are some good men out there. In the last two months, two of my friends have married and one is to be married in a few weeks. So, it’s not like they are not out there…good men and good women alike.

But honestly, I’m getting really sick of this so-called  new found soapbox that people are so willing to climb up on to tell the world why black women are single. And what’s really confusing is that these ‘experts’ aren’t women, black, or both. So, who are they to say why we are not married? Why should I even consider their advice on my love life when you have no idea who I am or what I represent? Do they know the type of man I meet? No. Do they know what I require in a relationship? No. Do they even know what kind of morals I possess? Heck no.  

So, I have decided to let them in on some information. Let’s see how many books you sell or how many columns you write after I’m done with you. So, stick around and see what these ‘experts’ need to know as I document ‘The Single Ladies Chronicles’. And ladies, if you have something to say; by all means, chime in. Because like they say (mildly of course)…stuff just got real.

-Kim Jackson

www.urbanpeephole.com

Twitter: @urbanpeephole @Kim__Jackson

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